Ask Dr. Bill

Is My Spouse Having an Affair?
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere

Question: I hastily got married in Las Vegas a couple of years ago. Our marriage was nothing but turmoil until we separated. Now I miss him and want to reconcile, but sometimes when I call his home his ex-girlfriend answers the phone. I am a positive person so I'm trying to believe that we can work this out. Am I being foolish?

Answer: I respect you for wanting to make your marriage work and I pray that it will. Your situation is quite difficult. I sense your regret at getting married hastily and apparently you've already paid a price for not building a stronger foundation in your relationship before getting married. Fortunately, it's not too late for God to work something good for you out of this painful and confusing situation as long as you cooperate with him.

That brings us to your question about whether or not you're being foolish. My answer depends upon who or what you're trusting. Let me explain. If you're trusting your husband, then I think you may indeed be acting foolishly. It sounds like he may be having an affair with his ex-girlfriend. For him to have her in his house and not to have talked to you about it beforehand sounds very suspicious indeed. Even if he's not having a sexual relationship with her you still have cause for concern. If he has an ongoing emotional attachment to her then it is likely to be a temptation to him and to interfere with his ability to work through his issues with you.

If you're trusting in your marriage that also is probably foolish. The brief history of your relationship doesn't sound trustworthy. A hasty marriage, turmoil between the two of you, a separation, and now he has a revived relationship with an ex-girlfriend - it all adds up to an uncertain and undependable bond between the two of you. You need to take a hard look at these issues in your marriage and get help in order to effect a meaningful and lasting reconciliation. A.S.A.P. the two of you should meet with a marriage counselor or a pastor to talk about these issues and get help for your marriage. If he won't participate in an attempt to get help for your marriage then his commitment to you and to the marriage is even more suspect and you have little room to maneuver. The only reasonable plan B that I see in that case is to tell him that you're going to get help for yourself and to encourage him to do the same. Then talk to your counselor or to the members of your support group (e.g., Codependents Anonymous) about what's going on and wait for six to twelve months to see what happens. While you wait, be sure to guard your heart to keep from trusting him or getting too close to him until he has proved by his behavior that he has changed. If over time he gets help, the issue with the ex-girlfriend is resolved, his commitment to you is clear, and the relationship improves, then you're ready to reconcile.

If it is God you're trusting in then the answer is no, you're certainly not being foolish. It's never foolish to put your faith in God and to ask him to work in a situation. God is in the salvation business. People who say they're sorry can be forgiven, hurts can be healed, and broken relationships can be mended. The biggest difficulty for you and your marriage is that it'll take more than God's help and your faith to mend your marriage. Your husband needs to participate too. He has to want to reconcile. He has to be willing to work on your marriage. But, even if things don't work out like you want in your marriage, know that God cares about you and can give you the comfort and strength that you need. His helping hands are reaching out to you to help you to recover and move forward in your life.

In closing, I have a question for you. Are you trusting in your self? Are you listening to your feelings and inner sense about your marriage and your husband? Time and again I've talked to women (and men) in situations similar to yours who prolonged and deepened their heartache by not paying attention to what they "knew" to be true inside, because they didn't want to believe it. You may not know for sure if you're husband has had an affair or not. But you do know that there are some serious problems here. You miss your husband and probably feel rejected if, as it seems, he is not very concerned about your feelings and reconciling with you. You have cause to feel jealous that he is having his ex-girlfriend over at his house. And when living with him you felt turmoil. These feelings are reasonable and valid. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same way, so don't discount your experience just because it's painful. A truly positive person faces negative feelings and situations with courage, works with God to resolve problems, and smiles because even when life isn't fair, God is good. I pray that God helps you to be this type of a positive person and that he, your husband, and you all work together to mend your marriage.

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