Oh!
I discovered that the Apostle Paul is encouraging
me to rely upon God’s care when I start to
worry. He wasn’t shaming me or encouraging
me to deny my feelings. The comforting truth in
this passage is that God is near me and when I’m
anxious He offers me His peace, a peace that will
protect my soul and body from the destructive
effects of continual anxiety. My part in experiencing
God’s peace is to ask God for what I need
and to thank Him for the good things He provides.
(More on this later.)
What
Is Anxiety?
To be anxious is to worry or fixate on troubles.
You’re restless, agitated, or burdened. Your
body is uncomfortable and your mind won’t
slow down. It’s hard for you to relax, sometimes
even at bedtime. You may have fears, nightmares,
or flashbacks. You may have trouble saying “no”
to people.
To
test your anxiety levels you may want to take
my self-test “Do
You Have A-N-X-I-E-T-Y?”
How
Anxiety Problems Develop
People who struggle with anxiety perpetuate their
problem without realizing it. Let me explain.
Anxiety is a “secondary emotion” that
is the result of conflicting tensions between
“stressors” that elicit emotion and
“repressors” that deny that emotion.
(See the diagram, “How Anxiety Problems Develop.”)
Before
we feel anxious two things happen. First, we experience
stress or an injury and feel hurt, afraid, angry,
sad, guilty, or needy. And then we deny or avoid
that feeling, even though it’s a natural
and healthy response. We’re too busy to pause
and feel our feelings. Or the feelings don’t
fit our expectations of who we should be. The
combination of the elicitors and repressors is
like a chemical reaction that creates anxiety.
If the anxiety is intense or chronic then there
will be an explosion, likely in the form of an
anxiety disorder.
As
a Psychologist I talk to many people struggling
with anxiety and I tell them that they’re
fighting themselves. It’s like they’ve
got one foot on the gas and the other on the brake
and so they’re spinning out of control and
damaging their engine. It’s appropriate to
feel scared when someone or something threatens
your well-being and so your body instinctively
gears up into the fight-or-flight response, but
the anxious person tries to shut down the fear,
creating anxiety that over time can damage their
soul and body.
To
use another analogy, anxiety occurs when you hold
the lid down on your pot of boiling emotions.
Eventually, the pressure becomes too great and
the lid blows with a panic attack or other anxiety
disorder, an angry outburst, or “acting out”
with compulsive behavior (e.g., alcohol, overeating,
sex). As we’ll discuss later, instead of
holding the lid down we need to let off some steam
(verbalize our feelings and needs) and turn down
the heat (set our limits).
I
Grew Up With Anxiety
I think every member of my family has had problems
with anxiety. In my family people worried and
worried. Intense discussions, continually analyzing
problems, complaining about what’s wrong,
and obsessing about possible solutions to fix
things were continual. Looking back, it seemed
like problems were everywhere. Family members,
extended family, other people, the church, my
dad’s job, politics, and many other issues
all seemed to have problems to worry about.
As
a child I took in too much stress by listening
to and being concerned about the things that upset
my Mom, Dad, and others. I took on too much responsibility
and lived with burdensome expectations. And I
didn’t release the pressures and pains because
I didn’t talk about my feelings. I didn’t
even feel my feelings. Instead I worried and I
worked to solve my problems, and everyone else’s
too!
By
the time I was a young adult I developed what
I later learned is called Generalized Anxiety
Disorder. This means I experienced persistent
anxiety and worry about stressful situations.
I spent a lot of time worrying intensely and my
worry was out of proportion to what was realistic
for the situation.
It
took me a number of years as an adult to learn
helpful ways of dealing with anxiety and to experience
inner peace. I used psychotherapy, educating myself,
relaxation exercises, physical exercise, lifestyle
changes, prayer and other things to find some
relief. Today I still struggle some with anxiety
at times, but it’s so much better. Now because
I have better boundaries to limit the stress I
intake. And I’ve learned how to process my
feelings with a caring friend and experience peace.
Panic
Disorder
According to the National Institute of Mental
health, Anxiety Disorders are the most common
mental disorder, affecting one in eight Americans
between the ages of 18-54. That’s nearly
20 million anxious people! The most common anxiety
disorder is Panic Disorder.
It’s
frightening to experience a panic disorder. You
feel like you’re being smothered and can
hardly breathe. Your heart pounds and hurts and
you’re afraid you’re having a heart
attack. You tremble or feel tingling or numbness
in your hands and feet and you’re afraid
you’re going to faint. You start sweating
or have hot and cold flashes. You feel like you’re
not all there; it all feels so unreal. And worst
of all, you’re afraid that you’re going
crazy and that you’re going to die!
Once
someone has had a panic attack they develop “anticipatory
anxiety,” in which they’re afraid
of having another attack. Of course, this makes
the anxiety worse! Panic Disorder also can become
associated with Agoraphobia. People with
Agoraphobia restrict themselves to “safe
places” because of a fear of having a panic
attack in a public place and not being able to
escape.
Three
Examples of Anxious People
Some time ago I helped a man I’ll call Jon.
(Names and identifying information have been changed
in each case.) Here’s how panic disorder
developed for him. (See “The Development
of a Panic Attack” below.) He’d catch
a cold, get an infection, or have an allergic
reaction. (Initiating circumstance.) The congestion
would make breathing a little more difficult.
(Unpleasant bodily symptoms.) He’d start
worrying that he wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Then he’d sniff compulsively. His sniffing
and worrying would keep him from falling asleep.
(Increased focus on symptoms.) Then he’d
tell himself that he’d be up all night, and
he wouldn’t be able to function at work the
next day. He’d even think that he was going
to suffocate. (Catastrophic interpretation.) Then
he’d have a panic attack.
The
Development of the Panic Attack
Initiating Circumstance -> Unpleasant Body
Symptoms -> Worry -> Catastrophic Interpretation
-> Panic
Carrie
was afraid of introducing herself in her church
small group. She had Social Phobia, overwhelming
anxiety with avoidance of social situations out
of fear of embarrassment. Her anxiety escalated
as people were introducing themselves around the
circle. Her heart started racing, her breathing
became shallow, and she became sweaty. She was
terrified that people would see her blushing or
that she’d stutter and that people would
laugh at her. Before it was her turn to speak
she got up from her chair and went to the bathroom.
Then she went back to the group when she knew
she wouldn’t have to introduce herself.
Jim
was 25 years old on 9-11-2002 when the terrorists
attacked the World Trade towers and rocked his
world. For three months three months he busied
himself in his work until he found that anxiety
was overwhelming him. He couldn’t concentrate.
He was exhausted and yet he couldn’t sleep.
He was full of fear and felt like he was living
outside his body. He worked near an airport and
whenever a plane flew overhead he had frightening
flashbacks to being a boy in New York City and
watching the planes fly over his head. Then the
image would morph into the planes crashing into
the towers and he’d start crying and shaking.
He had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Learning
to be Patient
Anxious people like these that I talk to hate
the word patience! They want their symptoms –
panic attacks, phobias, obsessive-compulsive behavior,
trauma reactions, or chronic worry – to go
away now. They’re frustrated with themselves
that they can’t make them stop and don’t
realize that their attempt to control (deny) their
anxiety is part of their problem. Paradoxically,
the quickest route to cure (not just eliminating
symptoms, but experiencing peace) begins with
accepting your problem and being patient with
a therapeutic process.
Why
patience? The effects of continual stress and
denial of feelings is cumulative. Each additional
pressure or injury that is not responded to with
care exacerbates previous unresolved stress and
lodges itself in your body and soul. This is why
people are often surprised when they discover
they have an anxiety problem. It seems to them
like there’s no reason for it! In actuality,
they experienced “the straw that broke the
camel’s back” and only then did they
realize that they needed help!
So
undoing the negative effects of chronic build-up
of anxiety takes time, not time alone, but time
with treatment, care from others and yourself,
setting boundaries, and using relaxation techniques.
Reading
the Indicator Lights
You wouldn’t drive your car without checking
the gauges. You ask yourself, Do I have enough
gas? How fast am I going? Do I need to take my
care in for an oil change? Yet, if you struggle
with anxiety you probably don’t monitor your
soul and respond to it’s needs. Anxious people
typically neglect to fill their tanks with care,
push themselves beyond reasonable speed limits,
and hesitate to ask for help.
For
some people, their anxiety gauges are obvious.
For Jon it was his obsessive worries about his
breathing. Carrie had her fear of groups and Jim
had flashbacks. For each of them their challenge
was accepting that their symptom wasn’t a
problem as much as it was a warning sign of a
deeper problem – missing a sense of peace
(comfort, self-acceptance, well-being) inside.
For
you, reading your soul’s anxiety gauge probably
begins with listening to your body. When you’re
anxious it’ll show up in your body with shortness
of breath, heart palpitations, tightness or pain
in the chest, discomfort in your stomach or bowels,
twitching, shaky hands, sweaty palms, or tingling.
These symptoms are warning signs that you need
to slow down, relax, feel, and talk about your
feelings. It’s harder to do, but ultimately
you want to respond the same way to your feelings.
Whenever you feel angry, scared, or sad it means
your soul needs caring attention.
Facing
Your Fear
The first time I was asked to be a keynote speaker
at a conference a number of years ago I was afraid.
Don’t get me wrong, at first I was excited,
but later I started thinking about it. Maybe they
don’t really want me. I’m just filling
in for someone who had to cancel. The other keynote
speaker is Archibald Hart and I’m not in
his league. I got more and more scared.
Then
I told myself, You can’t be afraid. You’ll
make a fool of yourself in front of 2,000 people!
If you can’t calm down then you just need
to cancel. Of course, this harsh treatment of
myself and denial of my fears only made me more
anxious. Eventually, I woke up to what I was doing
– I had reverted back to my old, destructive
ways of coping with anxiety – demands on
my self, denial of feelings, and avoidance of
what scared me!
Instead,
I accepted that as a speaker I didn’t have
to be perfect, but was a “work in progress.”
I started processing my feelings with my wife
and a friend to find comfort. And I determined
not to avoid my fear of public speaking, but to
face it. What if I had chosen to reduce my anxiety
by not giving the keynote address? Unfortunately,
it’s easy for anxious people to make choices
like this, hiding their gifts and shrinking their
worlds. To face your fears, as I learned in this
situation, helps you to gain confidence, which
over time helps to reduce your anxiety.
Learning
to Set Limits
Most people with anxiety problems expect themselves
to be super strong. They think that they should
always be “calm, cool, and collected.”
Control is their operative word. They do too much,
take on more responsibility than they can handle,
try too hard to please other people, and deny
their feelings and needs. Eventually it catches
up to them in bouts of anxiety. They need to learn
to acknowledge their limits and say no sometimes.
This
was a big part of my generalized anxiety disorder.
I had to accept that I couldn’t do everything
I wanted to do, but I need to prioritize more
and let some things go. I learned when I needed
to say no to someone’s request because I
didn’t have time or energy or had another
commitment to keep. I spent more time relaxing
(I’m still working on that one!) and I gave
myself permission to feel, to need, and to struggle.
Limits like these were an important part of helping
me to feel more peace.
You
know you’ve developed strong boundaries when
you’re able to be with people that used to
agitate you or “make you” anxious and
now they don’t. You’re able to be in
relationship and to be separate at the same time.
What a relief! What a confidence builder!
Using
Positive Self Talk to Cope with Anxiety
People with anxiety problems typically experience
an escalation of fear. Their fear feeds on itself,
getting worse and worse. Let’s get inside
the mind of the anxious person to see how their
negative self-talk is a part of this viscous cycle
and then let’s consider how using positive
self-talk can help to stabilize and calm the person
who is anxious:
The
Effects of Positive vs. Negative Self-Talk on
Anxiety
NEGATIVE
SELF TALK ESCALATES FEAR
| Threat |
Negative
Self-Talk |
Body
Symptoms |
Negative
Self-Talk |
Panic |
| (1st
Fear) |
Repression |
(2nd
Fear) |
Catastrophic
|
(3rd
Fear) |
| Hurt |
“I’m
too sensitive.” |
Racing
heart |
“I can’t stand this!” |
|
| Conflict |
“I
can’t have needs.” |
Shallow
breathing |
“I’m
losing control.” |
|
| Stress |
“I’ve
got to be strong.” |
Sweaty |
“What
will others think?” |
|
| Demand |
“I
can’t show feelings.” |
Twitches |
“I’m
going to die!” |
|
| Violation |
|
Tingling
|
|
|
| Criticism |
|
Dizziness |
|
|
| |
|
Upset
stomach |
|
|
POSITIVE SELF TALK CALMS FEAR
| Threat |
Positive
Self-Talk |
Body
Symptoms |
Positive
Self-Talk |
Coping |
|
Affirmation |
|
Accepting
|
|
| |
“It’s
normal to feel.” |
|
“I
can handle this.” |
|
| |
“My
needs are ok.” |
|
“Let
it pass. Ride it out.” |
|
| |
“It’s
courageous to admit my struggle " |
|
"My
friend accepts my fears.” |
|
| |
“I
can share with a friend.” |
|
“I’ve
survived this before.” |
|
Responding to the fear that may accompany stress
or hurt with affirming self-talk (instead of denying
your feelings) is calming. Accepting the reality
of anxiety symptoms in your body (instead of reacting
with catastrophic thinking) is also calming. In
other words, rather than fight against your feelings
and your body you seek to understand, validate,
and comfort your feelings. The way you learn to
do this is by internalizing caring messages from
people (like a counselor, friend, or support group
leader) who listen to your anxiety.
