Question:
As a mother I struggle with terrible guilt whenever I yell at my children. I feel so bad when my four-year old girl cries when I scold her. It seems that no matter how hard I try I still lose my temper. What do I as a Christian Mom need to do?
Answer:
Being a mother of a preschooler is one of the hardest and most important jobs there is! Having taken three children through the preschool years myself, I know how difficult and exhausting and frustrating it was at times for me as a father.
Continual needs, demands for attention, whining, squabbling, disobedience, messes to clean… The list goes on, but you know exactly what I’m talking about! There are a number of ways that these cuddly, adorable children can seemingly morph into irritating pests that drive us crazy.
And if we parents let our kids drive us crazy and then lose our tempers then not only have we gotten stressed out, but we’ve hurt our kids. It’s hard for children when their parents are harsh with them. Usually, it leaves them feeling bad about themselves and scared. And some children don’t express verbalize their hurt or anger; they need to be drawn out and comforted so they don’t become depressed and withdrawn.
You can reduce these tensions and protect your kids from your temper. I usually tell parents like you what I’ve learned. If you’ve lost your temper at your child then probably there was a boundary that you didn’t set.
- Maybe your anger was building as you were letting junior get away with more and more misbehavior until you finally exploded.
- Or you kept extending yourself further and further in caring for your child, going beyond your limitations until you snapped when your child had yet another “need.”
- Other times your child gets in your way - innocently. You were angry to begin with about something else and hadn’t resolved your feelings and then your little precious spilled the milk or interrupted and you yelled.
What are the lessons here? Deal with misbehavior as it occurs. Recognize your limitations and take proper care of yourself. And whenever you get angry pay attention and deal with your anger and related feelings of hurt or fear. Of course, if you still lose control with your anger then you need to apologize and support your child emotionally by listening and offering comfort.
It’s natural and appropriate for anyone, including Christians, to feel angry when their children cross boundaries, try to manipulate you, hurt your feelings, or simply overwhelm you with their needs when your needs aren’t being met. The angry feelings aren’t bad. It’s how you respond that makes anger good or bad. The Bible has a lot to say about anger.
I encourage you to continue working on this issue, as any progress you make in learning deal with your anger more assertively, honestly, and respectfully will pay rich dividends for you and your children.
For more insight into how to overcome anger problems read my article, “How to Replace Bad Anger with Good Anger.”
Editor's Note: William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist with a part time private practice in Irvine, California. You can read Dr. Bill’s encouraging self-help articles on www.NewHopeNow.org and www.ChristianSoulCare.com.
