Ask
Dr. Bill
How
Can I stop being depressed?
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Question:
I can't seem to pull myself out of the doldrums. All I want
to do is sleep and eat. I just don't seem to have any energy
for living. And I have so much to do. We just moved to a new
house and we're not settled in yet. My son, who just started
college, says that I haven't been myself lately. I guess I'm
depressed. I've always been a happy, energetic, positive person
- even in some tough times. What's wrong with me now?
Answer:
It sounds like you're experiencing what's called "Reactive
Depression." You mention two major transitions that you're
going through: your son has started college and you've moved
to a new house. Each of these is probably a good thing, especially
your son starting college. Nonetheless, transitions like these
also are "losses" that normally and appropriately elicit some
feelings of sadness and grief and require that you make adjustments,
which can feel overwhelming or anxiety provoking. To react
with feelings of depression is quite common and not a problem
unless you don't process those feelings and get help. Then
it can become a problem. That's where you're at.
Let
me explain. You probably miss having your son at the dinner
table and just knowing that he's home. His going off to college
may signify to you that he's a young man now and pretty much
on his own. He's not a child anymore and doesn't need you
in the same way as before. You and your family are beginning
a new stage, which will bring new joys, new opportunities,
and new challenges. But for now, you miss the way it was.
Similarly,
with your new house I imagine that you're feeling a mixture
of emotions. Your new house and community probably have some
positive aspects that will be good for you. At the same time
there are probably some things that you miss about your previous
home. And, as you mentioned, the process of getting settled
into a new house and a new community has many challenges and
can feel overwhelming at times.
It
sounds to me like your problem is not so much that your feeling
depressed because you should feel that way - for now. Given
your transitions and the losses they represent, it is appropriate
and healthy for you to feel some sadness, to grieve your losses,
and to work through the feelings of being overwhelmed with
making necessary adjustments. Your problem apparently is that
you've been denying your feelings. Instead of feeling your
feelings of sadness and pressure and talking them through
with those you trust you've been trying not to feel sad and
criticizing yourself for feeling overwhelmed. Instead of putting
your energy into receiving the care you need, you're trying
to "pull yourself out of it." This has escalated your feelings
of depression into your body and your life so that you have
become depressed and are not your self anymore. You need help
reversing course so that you stop using food and sleep to
avoid your feelings and instead get support with your grief
and adjustments until you recover your energy and zest for
living.
I
talk with many people like you who have become depressed as
a reaction to transitions, losses, injuries, or traumas. I
say to them, "What do you do when the red indicator light
on your car dashboard tells you that your engine oil is low?"
"I put more oil in," is their obvious answer. "That's how
you need to respond to your depressed feelings," I say. "You
see, in situations like yours depressed feelings are simply
your soul's way of crying out, `Help, put some care inside!'"
I
talk with many people like you who have become depressed as
a reaction to transitions, losses, injuries, or traumas. I
say to them, "What do you do when the red indicator light
on your car dashboard tells you that your engine oil is low?"
"I put more oil in," is their obvious answer. "That's how
you need to respond to your depressed feelings," I say. "You
see, in situations like yours depressed feelings are simply
your soul's way of crying out, `Help, put some care inside!'"
| |
Good Depression |
Bad Depression |
| Feelings: |
grief, sadness,
anger,remorse |
empty, hopeless,
isolated, shame, guilt, anxiety |
| Actions: |
self-disclosure,assertiveness,
boundaries, intimacy |
over/under eat,
sleep, sex, isolating, inactivity, lack of pleasure |
| Thoughts: |
focused, positive |
distracted, scattered,
negative, distorted |
| Time: |
present |
past
and/or future |
| Responsible
for: |
self
|
others
or nothing |
| Central
Feature: |
trusting
caring people |
denial |
| Progress: |
improving |
stuck
or worsening |
As
you can see, it's all in how you respond to your depressed
feelings. Do you see them as a part of your soul that needs
care and comfort? Or do you treat your feelings like problems
that need to be fixed? There's a big difference between care
and fixing.
