Free to Love, Free from Lust

William Gaultiere, Ph.D., (c) 2001

God is love. Jesus shows us this. The Bible spells this out. And everyday God shares His love with us in so many ways. Tragically, there are many people, who can’t seem to grasp God’s love because, as the pop song says, “They’re looking for love in all the wrong places.”

If you struggle with compulsive sexual behavior or you’re in relationship with someone who does then you know this pain and this article is especially for you. More than any other group of people I’ve talked to, sex addicts, feel depressed, ashamed, and isolated. And trapped in a world without love. They keep using sex, usually immoral sex, as their “drug of choice” to feel better. Even if you’re not dealing with sexual compulsions in yourself or someone you care about it may help you with your own struggles to better understand this problem.

ADDICTED TO EXCITEMENT
If you’ve ever ridden a fast roller coaster at an amusement park then you know what a rush of adrenalin is like. There are countless other ways to get this hit of excitement in our culture today. Just go to your local movie theatre and you have your choice of exciting, intense, scary, or highly emotional movies to watch. Many people have come to depend on this perpetual flow of stimulation and excitement to feel pleasure.

This is especially true of how sex addicts use sex. They get high on it and their pursuit of it. Taking risks to get sex, getting away with something wrong, and sustaining intense sexual pleasure gives them this rush of adrenaline and excitement. The pleasure centers in their brains become flooded with morphine-like chemicals.

But then the episode ends. And they didn’t find what they really needed and they ended up feeling worse - until they go back for more illicit sex and become increasing trapped in the cycle of sexual addiction and life without real love.

I’VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BEFORE…
Time and again, I’ve had people schedule an appointment with me to say, “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have a problem with pornography… I’m having an affair… I’ve been having sexual conversations in chat rooms… I can’t stop calling this 900 number… I keep having sex with other men… I went to a massage parlor and…”

Especially for Christians, compulsive sexual behavior is a source of embarrassment. They may feel terrible about what they’re doing. They may be disturbed by the contradiction between their Christian beliefs and their repeated immoral behavior. Often they even are aware of the gnawing, growing emptiness in their souls. But they can’t stop. And they keep it a secret.

Until they get caught.

HE DOESN’T THINK HE HAS A PROBLEM
“I don’t think it’s really that big a problem,” Larry (not his real name) told me. “My wife is still upset about it, but I threw away the magazines and videos.” He’d finally been caught.

Larry had been living a secret double life. He taught a Sunday school class and led his family in prayer at the dinner table, but every two or three weeks he’d go on a pornography binge, staying up late to watch X-rated videos and masturbate in his home office. He’d been struggling with this on and off during the seven years they’d been married. “It’s not like I had sex with another woman,” he tried justifying himself to me.

His wife felt betrayed because she had been. His was an affair of the mind. Now his wife knew why he wouldn’t go to bed with her on many nights. And why she felt so distant from him most of the time and painfully so on the infrequent times that they had sex. “It hasn’t felt like `making love’ for years,” she cried. “A few times I even asked him if he was having an affair, but he denied it.”

Now that she knew what was going on she wasn’t going to accept the lies and excuses and defensiveness any more. For the sake of her marriage and their son she put her foot down, “You need to get help or we need to talk about separating.”

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL ADDICTION
Obviously, not everyone who engages in immoral sex is an addict. To know how serious a problem someone’s compulsive sexual behavior is I developed the acronym “A-N A-D-D-I-C-T” to identify eight key symptoms of addiction, any addiction. Here I’ve applied the test to sexual addiction.

If some of these symptoms seem to describe you then take my self-test, “Are You an Addict?” Or, if you’re concerned that your spouse or partner may have a sex addiction then take my self-test, “Is My Husband a Sex Addict?”

A LONE? Sex is not loving or relational for addicts.
N ON-PREMEDITATED USE? Sex addicts don’t think before they “act out” with inappropriate sex and they continue to do so even though they know it’s dangerous, causing problems, or wrong.
A MNESIA? When sex addicts are in their “sexual zone” they lose track of time and obligations.
D EPEND ON HIGH? Sex addicts use sex to feel good and they feel bad if they aren’t getting sex.
D ISTRACTED? Sex addicts think about sex much of the time even when they should be thinking about something else.
I NCREASED TOLERANCE? Sex addicts over time need more and more sex to feel ok.
C ONCEAL SUPPLY? Sex addicts have a stash of porn or hide/lie about their access to inappropriate sex.
T RANQUILIZER? Addicts use sex to feel better or to escape feelings of depression, guilt, or anxiety.

LIES ABOUT SEX
If you could get inside the head of a sex addict and listen to what he (Sex addiction is much more common in men than in women.) is saying to himself it’d sound something like this:

“All men do this.”
“It’s no big deal. Even the president did this.”
“She wants this. That’s why she dressed that way or looked like that.”
“You can get over this whenever you want to.”
“You shouldn’t tell anyone what you did. Nobody could accept you.”
“Nobody knows, so it’s not hurting anyone.”
“You won’t get caught.”
“You need this. You deserve it. It’s ok.”
“You won’t destroy your marriage.”
“Just do it. You’ll feel better.”

Lies like these are a form of denial. They’re the way that sex addicts justify their behavior and live with their sense of helplessness over their problem. Identifying statements like these and refuting them with the truth is an important part of treatment.

The Sexual Addiction Cycle: Trauma/Pain -> Fantasy -> Ritual -> Sexual Acting Out

RE-CYCLING PAIN
Sex addicts, like others with compulsive behavior problems, continually re-cycle their pain. Sex addicts are wounded people and it’s this pain that begins the cycle of sexual addiction for them. As many as four out of five sex addicts have been sexually traumatized or physically abused in their childhood. In almost all cases they’ve been emotionally traumatized or neglected. It’s no wonder that they violate others and can’t seem to get their emotional needs met!

And yet, no one is truly and fully helpless over a psychological problem. Sex addicts make many bad and unhealthy choices to get into their predicament that they need to take responsibility for. The first is reacting to their pain by “sexualizing” it. They develop sexual fantasies, thinking that sex in some form will help them to feel better or to fill the emptiness inside. They can get into a “sexual zone” in which sex is all they think about and they’ll do anything to get it.

Sexual fantasy leads to rituals, repetitive, mindless behaviors that are the addict’s way of preparing to engage in compulsive sexual behavior. Excitement, arousal, and good feelings begin to build. They rationalize these behaviors because they “haven’t done anything wrong yet.” Examples include going to the ATM to load up on cash, cruising the public park or street where they might get sex, finding an excuse to go to a store near the sex shop, having a drink (to lower inhibitions), surfing the web to “happen” upon pornography or a sex chat room, or flirting with someone.

Then the sex addict “acts out.” He (or sometimes it is a she) acts out his sexual fantasies - buys a bunch of porn magazines or videos, calls the sex line, or “hooks up” with someone wanting sex. And another set images or experiences is added to the porn library in his head, making it easier and easier to continue and to increase his compulsive sexual behavior. And the sex addict feels a need to do something even more exciting next time.

Although the fantasizing, ritualizing, and acting out creates excitement for the sex addict, the good feelings don’t last long before they are overcome by more trauma and more pain from acting out (and just from living).

The Recovery Process (Needs & Steps):

1. Get Support & Accountability (lust to love) ->

2. Enjoy Simple Pleasures (excitement to joy) ->

3. Prepare Ahead (numbness to peace) ->

4. Talk it Out (power abuse to esteem)

UNCOVERING UNDERLYING NEEDS
Love, joy, peace, esteem – these are things that we all need. Sex addicts find very little of these. They need to realize that they’re substituting lust for love, excitement for joy, numbness for peace, or power/aggression over others for esteem. Then they need to reverse it, focusing on getting their true needs met.

Let me illustrate. Mark (not his real name) came for help when he developed an STD. Single and in his 30’s, he had struggled with moderate depression ever since he could remember. He felt empty and disconnected most of the time. To cope he worked a lot. And he looked for sex with women he met at parties. He told me, “When I’m with a woman that I might have sex with I feel alive. I’m happy and energized, ready to handle anything that comes my way.”

But Mark’s happiness didn’t last long. Neither did his relationships with women. Inside, he was becoming more and more empty and disconnected. I told him that he was developing a heart of Velcro. By getting into and out of sexual relationships he was forcing himself (and the women he was in relationship) to continually connect and disconnect emotionally. He admitted that he wasn’t as sensitive and compassionate as he used to be. “I feel trapped,” he lamented to me after another relationship broke up. “I know this isn’t good, but I can’t seem to stop. I guess that’s why I started therapy.”

Mark had lust, but not love. He had excitement at times, but no enduring joy. He needed to learn to stop sexualizing his needs and to instead get real help for himself.

STEPS TO FREEDOM
Now I’d like to get real specific and real personal. If you’re struggling with a compulsive sexual behavior then I’m talking with you. Do you want help? Are you serious about getting help? You’ll need to give it all you got to get free from lust and to become free to love. Here’s four important steps.

1. Get Support and Accountability.
You need to get desperate and cry out to God for help. This is why steps 1 and 2 in the 12 Steps are: “We admitted we were powerless over our dependency on sex, that our lives had become unmanageable. We turned our wills and our lives over to the power of God.” “No one can serve two masters,” Jesus said (Matthew 6:24). He taught that freedom comes from following his teachings and seeking the truth (John 8:31-32).

So you need to tell the truth to God and to others. You need to tell your whole sexual history with at least one person you trust. A good place to start is to join a 12 Step group (in the tradition of AA there are groups for sex addicts, like “Sex Addicts Anonymous” – see “New Hope Referrals”). This is essential, as addicts in recovery will hold you accountable if you ask them to.

Get a sponsor, make friends, and work the steps. You need the accountability. You need the support. You need the structure. You need a place to go to replace acting out.

Therapy is also important for many of the reasons above and to help you to experience support, healing of childhood wounds, and resolving of internal conflicts. If you’re married, it’s important to note that your spouse is not a good person to hold you accountable, as it’s too hurtful and confusing. (Spouses of sex addicts can go to “COSA” or another co-dependency group. These also are listed on “New Hope Referrals.”)

2. Seek Healthy Enjoyment.
For you to stop pursing the excitement you get from acting out you need to add in new sources of enjoyment through hobbies, exercise, or time with friends. You need to focus on enjoying various simple pleasures in life, like a walk in the park, enjoying a sunset, playing with a child, relaxing in a spa, a long conversation with a friend, or quiet meditation in prayer or Bible study.

Enjoyment won’t give you the same “hit” of excitement that you want, but if you stay sober long enough and even allow yourself to feel bored at times (resting the pleasure center in your brain) then you can find that joy is indeed better, more meaningful and longer lasting than the illicit excitement you’ve craved.

3. Prepare Ahead to Reduce Temptation.
If you’re having a compulsive behavior problem then one of the most important things I can tell you is to plan ahead in times of strength for future times of weakness and temptation. This means things like, calling ahead to the hotel to ask them to turn off the sex channels, not letting yourself even drive near the porn shop, not walking by the magazine rack, getting a filter for your internet, or not having a credit card to charge illicit sex on.

Also, it’s helpful for you to set up an “emergency kit” to pull out in times of temptation. Put in it things like a list with support system phone numbers, a picture of your inner child (who you need to care for and to protect), a family picture (of loved ones who care for you and whom you need to care for and not hurt), Bible verses, affirming statements, or 12 Step workbook.

4. Talk it Out.
Another key principle for people struggling with compulsive behaviors is to learn to “talk it out” so you don’t “act it out.” You need to learn that you can find relief, care, comfort, and help by talking about your struggles, feelings, and needs to someone you trust. This helps you to learn to meet your needs in relationships instead of by sexualizing, which only makes things worse in the end. Talking things out can also help you to gain conscious control over your unconscious, sexualizing reactions.

The goal is for you to learn to discipline yourself to talk it out as soon as you feel pain or emotional need (interrupting phase 1 in “The Cycle of Addiction”). If not there, then hopefully you do so when you find yourself starting to fantasize or to feel tempted (phase 2), or when you start to ritualize (phase 3), or when you start acting out (phase 4). Minimizing the degree of acting out, or stopping yourself at the point of it being “a little slip” and not an all out binge is a success!

If all else fails, then you must at least talk it out after you’ve acted out, confessing your sin and your failing to God and to someone you trust, seeking forgiveness and new strength to get back in recovery (1 John 1:9, James 5:16). Even this can be re-framed as a positive because you’re not keeping it a secret and you’re getting help!

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. offers “Christian Soul Care” as a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director in Irvine, CA.  He is also the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral where he’s trained over 1,000 people in Christian counseling skills.  He offers free encouraging articles on Psychology, Family, and Christian Spirituality and a monthly e-mail devotional that you can sign up for at his website, ChristianSoulCare.com.