Ask Dr. Bill
My Friend Lied About Me. What Do I Do?
Ask Dr. Bill
By William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Driector of New Hope, Crystal Cathedral
Question:
I was falsely accused of some terrible things by someone that was a close friend for ten years and a Christian brother at our church. He never apologized for what he did. I felt so hurt that my family left the church a year ago even though we were active members. I've spent many, many days in prayer, looking to forgive and seeking God's wisdom and comfort over this. I miss all my friends, but I still feel forsaken by my “old friend.” When I saw him the other day, I could not even speak to him! I know I have some healing yet to go through so I can once again serve God. But how? I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Can you give me any suggestions? I'd appreciate it.
Answer:
I understand you to feel betrayed by your friend. To have a long-time friend tell lies about you and say bad things about you is very hurtful. And he apparently doesn't recognize this or see it as important since he hasn't apologized.
Apparently, you left your church because of this issue. That’s a high price to pay! You miss your friends and you miss serving in your church. Why not go back?
I think I know why you haven’t gone back. Because of how you feel when you see your old friend: hurt, anger, anxious. You don’t want to feel this. And yet, working through these feelings is part of the emotional healing that you seek. It’ll help you to complete the forgiveness that you’ve started. And it could give you the strength to go back to the church you love.
Here are two options for how you could deal with your hurt:
1. Set up a meeting with him and your pastor to go over the issue together and to offer your forgiveness.
2. Or write your friend a letter, telling him how you've been hurt, that you're forgiving him, and specifying what you're asking him to do about it. After you write the letter, then get advice from your pastor as to whether or not to send it (perhaps with edits). Even if you don't send it this would be therapeutic for you.
If he becomes apologetic and compassionate then perhaps you can renew your friendship. If not then you're still best to forgive him and to prepare yourself to smile and say “hi” to him in passing.
If you face your painful feelings then you can face your old friend and then you can return to your church without fear.
God loves you and so do we at the Crystal Cathedral!
William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center and the Moderator for OneCommunity at the Crystal Cathedral. He is also a Clinical Psychologist with a part time private practice in Irvine, California. You can read Dr. Bill’s encouraging self-help articles on www.NewHopeNow.org and www.ChristianSoulCare.com.
