Articles
Help
with the Grieving Process
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Losing
a loved one hurts terribly. You may have painful, frightening,
and confusing feelings come over you in sudden, unexpected
waves. Whenever possible, don't fight your feelings. Recovering
from a death or a major loss (e.g., divorce, health problem,
unemployment, financial crisis, broken dream) is a process
that takes time and naturally includes cycling through the
feelings and responses that are part of the five stages
of grief described below.
You
don't need to be alone with your grief. There is help! There
is hope! Talk with God and people you trust, seeking comfort
and support, and in time you will heal and recover, discovering
the truth of Jesus' words, "Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)
1.
Shock:
At first you may react to the loss with emotional detachment,
finding yourself remarkably calm or strangely disassociated
from all feeling and saying things like, "This couldn't
have happened to me" or "I can't believe this." You're not
going crazy, you're in shock. Your psyche is giving you
a cushion to help you assimilate the painful event.
2.
Denying the Loss:
Death and loss are harsh realities that we don't want
to accept. This is why it is common to think that you have
seen or heard the deceased, to set his or her place at the
table, or to find yourself looking for him or her. Similarly,
again and again you may think, "If only I had _______ or
so and so had _______, then this wouldn't have happened."
3.
Anger and Guilt:
We can't control death and loss, but we want to. So
it's natural to feel angry about it for a season, and to
try to place blame for the loss on someone - yourself (called
"survivor's guilt"), another, God, or even the deceased.
Again and again you may ask, "Why has this happened? Why
didn't he _________? Why did God allow this?" You may also
be irritable, prone to lose your temper, and have a low
frustration tolerance.
4.
Depression:
During your time of grieving you may lose your interest
and zest for living and feel that you can't go on living
without your loved one. You may struggle with sadness, emotional
overload, discouragement, tiredness and lethargy, difficulty
concentrating, eating or sleeping too much or not enough,
lack of pleasure, self-pity, and isolation. You may have
other feelings too, ranging from panic to relief.
5.
Recovery
With time, talking through your feelings and memories,
and receiving the comfort you need, you will recover from
your loss and return to living your life with happiness
and purpose. The pain of your loss will diminish, even at
times of reminiscing and spontaneous remembering. At first,
it might seem disloyal or somehow wrong for you to be happy
without your loved one, but you need to press through this.
This is a time to rediscover yourself and your life. A time
to renew your old interests and friendships and to start
new ones too. A time to make plans for your future. Having
participated in the grief process will help you to be able
to maintain a strong, loving connection with your departed
loved one (or your loss) in your heart.
Tips
to Help You With Your Grief:
-
Consider the year after your loss as a "season of grief,"
a time to cycle through important dates and memories and
to progress through the stages of grief.
-
Get help from a grief recovery support group, pastor,
or psychotherapist.
-
Take
the initiative to talk about your grief over and over
again with people you trust. (Don't feel sorry for yourself
or isolate if people seem to be avoiding you, this is
simply due to their embarrassment of not knowing what
to say.)
-
When your grief is "triggered" by your associations with
your loved one (e.g., special dates, places, experiences,
songs, smells) go with it (as long as you're in a safe
place) by feeling your feelings and reminiscing over your
memories.
-
Facilitate your grief recovery by doing things like revisiting
the grave site or the place where the deceased's ashes
were disbursed, listening to a tape of the memorial service,
reminiscing over past memories and associations, and reviewing
old pictures and memorabilia.
-
Write
and share with a support person a letter or series of
letters to your loved one and/or to God to help you sort
through your feelings.
-
Pray and read the Psalms in the Bible for comfort (e.g.,
the Psalms of Lament, Psalm 3, 7, 13, 25, 44, 74, 79,
80).
