Ask
Dr Bill
How Can I Increase my Emotional IQ?
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Question:
I’m just not managing my life and emotions as effectively
as I need to. I feel like I’m failing. I feel stupid
sometimes, but I know I’m not. I actually got very
good grades in school! How can I be more wise and increase
my “emotional IQ”?
Answer:
I’ve talked to others who, although they were intelligent,
felt like they were struggling to get passing grades in
life. To get along with others, to live with character,
and to be competent in your work you need emotional intelligence.
There
are five aspects of emotional intelligence, according to
Daniel Goleman, who did ground-breaking work on this. Here’s
a chart I developed to compare lower and higher Emotional
IQ’s (EIQ) on each of the five aspects.
| EIQ
QUALITY |
LOW
EIQ |
HIGH
EIQ |
| Self-awareness |
Disconnected,
unaware of your feelings, deny feelings |
Recognize,
identify your feelings as occur, “process”
feelings |
| Self-soothing |
Moody,
irritable, over-sensitive, self-critical |
Emotionally
balanced, can calm yourself down, esteem yourself |
| Self-controlled |
Reactive,
impulsive, emotional outbursts |
Think
before speak or act, delay gratification, can contain
feelings |
| Empathy/Caring |
Disconnected
from others, uncaring, stubborn |
Connected
to others, caring, can negotiate, good people skills |
| Self-motivated |
Unmotivated,
defeatist, or compulsive, quit |
Energetic,
optimistic, disciplined, persistent |
Ask
yourself how you’re doing in these five areas. To help
you assess this I developed a self-test called, “What’s
Your Emotional IQ?” http://www.christiansoulcare.com/emotional_iq.html.
This can give you an idea of how you’re doing and what
you need to work on. Don’t get discouraged if you’re
struggling with this! Unlike your IQ, which is mostly genetic,
you can raise your Emotional IQ if you work on it.
The
other day I had a lapse of emotional intelligence before
recovering. It was a rainy Saturday and I was caring for
all 3 of my kids, 10, 8, and 5. I was taking the older two
to an Awana’s activity day and we were late getting
back from Jenny’s (age 8) soccer game. I had asked
Jenny to get take her cleats off and to get some tennis
shoes on. She took an unreasonably long time to do this,
but finally we were in the car.
When
we got to the church I went to open the back door and there
was Jenny in her sandles! How was she going to race and
jump and play games in the gym wearing sandles? I lost my
temper and slammed the car door and then gave her a scolding.
This wasn’t my best moment as a parent!
Consider
how I did in the five areas of emotional intelligence.
-
Self-awareness.
I didn’t take time to feel how pressured I was at being
late or how angry I was with Jenny.
-
Self-soothing.
So I didn’t comfort myself.
-
Self-control.
I lost my temper.
-
Empathy/Caring.
I didn’t know what Jenny was feeling and wasn’t
concerned about it.
-
Self-motivated.
Above all I didn’t want to deal with the shoes problem.
Fortunately,
I made a good recovery. (If Only I could do that after hitting
a bad golf shot! Instead a bad shot is usually followed
by a worse shot.) As I was driving Briana, my 5-year old,
to the bookstore where we were going to spend some time
until her brother and sister were ready to be picked up,
I took a few minutes to assess what happened and, at that
point, used some emotional intelligence.
- Self-awareness.
I realized that I was time-pressured and angry. And that
now I felt guilty for how I handled the situation and was
starting to feel ashamed as a father.
- Self-soothing.
I told myself that I wasn’t “all bad” as
a father or a person, but I had just made a mistake. I asked
and received forgiveness from God. I reminded myself of
my good qualities, like spending quality time with Briana
right then!
- Self-control.
I contained my feelings and didn’t let them negatively
impact my time with Briana.
- Empathy/Caring.
I thought about how Jenny (and her brother and sister) may
have felt criticized and scared when I lost my temper.
- Self-motivated.
I purposed to ask forgiveness of each of my kids for slamming
the door and being overly harsh and to ask them how they
felt about that. I followed through on this when Briana
and I picked up David and Jenny 45 minutes later.
Five
Steps to Increase Your Emotional IQ
My recovery worked. My kids and I had a good day together
and soon forgot the incident. Here’s an explanation
of what I did. These are five steps that you can work on
to increase your Emotional IQ.
-
Feel
your feelings as they happen. Don’t deny, diminish,
distract, or defend against your feelings, the heart of
your “self.” Pay attention and focus on what you
feel. Identify your feelings and “process” them
by sharing with someone you trust, praying, or writing in
a journal.
-
Soothe
your “self.” Don’t be self-critical or overly
self-pressuring. Ask for support and share your feelings
with someone you trust (God, friend, support group, pastor,
counselor). Join with this person in caring for you! Practice
“reaching out” and asking for care in times of
need.
Don’t give in to emotional extremes of “all good”
or “all bad.” Strive to balance and integrate.
-
Think
before you speak or act. Don’t react. Don’t explode
or implode. Instead “contain” your feelings, keep
them inside of yourself, giving yourself time to feel and
to think about how you feel and what you might say or do
about it. (For a more detailed explanation of this read
my article, “Think with Your Heart, Feel with Your
Head,” http://www.christiansoulcare.com/thinkfeel.html.
-
Practice
active listening skills. This is empathy (feeling what others
feel and showing concern) in action! This is the heart of
New Hope Counseling! You know how to do this, right? Ask
open-ended questions to draw people out. Summarize what
you’re hearing the person needs or is struggling with.
And, above all, reflect back what he or she is feeling.
Empathy is focused on the other person’s need or “story”
not your own. It means being non-defensive, but hearing
what is said as being about the other person, not about
you (e.g., not a criticism to rebut or a position to argue,
but an experience to understand).
Learn to be secure and okay with yourself even if someone
else is not happy with you!
-
Persist
in the face of obstacles. Don’t give up! Don’t
“catastrophize,” stay optimistic and give it your
best in whatever you’re working on. Don’t expect
too much or too little, but set reasonable goals and work
towards them step by step. Slow and steady progress is best.
Remember, the turtle wins the race, not the hare!
William
Gaultiere, Ph.D. is a Pychologist with www.ChristianSoulCare.com
in Irvine, CA. He offers psychotherapy and spiritual direction.
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