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Are You Reactive or Responsive
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere

Sandra (not her real name) had a highly successful career as a saleswoman, although she often switched companies because of her emotional problems. Whenever she started a new job she got very excited and developed huge plans for what she was going to do with her new company. Inevitably though, problems would occur. She'd lose her temper with "lazy" assistants who didn't measure up to her standards. She'd fear harshness or criticism from her boss so much that she tried to avoid him and her annual performance review brought on an anxiety attack. Any unexpected difficult event like receiving a harsh letter from her sister set off bouts of sudden crying or floods of emotion and subsequent fears that these feelings would come up again at an inopportune time, like in front of her coworkers or clients. Unfortunately, she had problems at home too and would often lose her temper at her kids, criticize her husband, or lock herself in her room to cry. Consequently, her family walked on egg shells around her for fear of upsetting her. They treated her with kid gloves to avoid hurting her feelings.

Emotional Detachment is Hidden Emotional Reactivity
Sandra had a problem with emotional reactivity. For her it messed up her career. Sometimes those who are highly emotionally reactive can still be quite successful in their work lives, particularly if it is highly structured or task-oriented. It is in their relationships with other people that they have their biggest problems. They often hurt others and get hurt by others and their conflicts tend to be intense and frequent.

In spite of the stereotype, it isn't just "emotional" women who have this problem. This is an unfair and untrue judgment. On average women are more emotional than men, but this is just as often a strength as it can be a weakness. Having strong and deep feelings that you have ready access to is wonderful and very helpful. As we'll discuss in a moment, this is quite opposite from emotional reactivity.

Interestingly, men and women who appear to be very calm or rational can also can be reactive, overly sensitive, moody, and unstable. Sometimes those with an apparent "cool head" are actually just overly detached from their feelings. When they get into an emotionally difficult situation they too are liable to "lose it." Being calm, cool, and collected is their defense against emotional reactivity. They've tried to "cut off" their emotional side. The problem with this defense is not only that it hides underlying emotional reactivity, but also that it means not really living life at all. Life without feelings is a black and white world. Relationships without feeling are shallow and boring. Decisions that don't take feelings into account are often bad ones.

Ironically, emotional reactors and detached reactors often hook up in marriage or friendship. On the surface they appear to be so different, but inside - in their character structure, ability to set boundaries, and level of emotional maturity - they are quite similar. Often, the cool head in the relationship is quick to blame the emotional reactor for their conflicts, but he or she is just as much a part of it. The cool head's detachment is hurtful and avoids conflicts that need to be dealt with. Then when he or she finally is drawn into a conflict his or her emotional reactivity becomes an obvious problem too.

Symptoms of Emotional Reactivity
You probably identify with either Sandra or the calm, detached type that loses it periodically. (If so you're probably in relationship with the opposite!) Most of us, if we're honest, have to admit that at times we can be reactive emotionally or use detachment as a defense against pain. The problem is with extreme or frequent episodes of out of control emotion and or detachment.

Of course, learning to better manage your feelings and reactions to people and situations begins with identifying your problem. Consider how you handle your emotions. Which, if any, of the following characteristics of emotional reactivity do you struggle with:

• Quick to lose your temper
• Often make critical or sarcastic comments that are hurtful
• Express 100 volts of emotion when 10 is appropriate
• Significant mood swings
• Prone to anxiety attacks
• Often overcome with sudden tearfulness
• Become flooded with unwanted feelings
• Say or do things they're embarrassed about later

H-A-L-T, Then Respond
What's the alternative you ask? How can you learn to better manage your emotions? Well, instead of being emotionally reactive you need to learn to be emotionally responsive. Don't just react impulsively to situations. Instead feel your feelings and then respond. To be responsive requires that you pay attention to what you're feeling, particularly in stressful or emotional situations. And you need to be prepared to H-A-L-T whatever you're doing if you're:

The reason you need to watch out for these feelings especially is because they are the kinds of conditions under which you're most susceptible to overreacting in a way that you'll regret later. If you struggle with a compulsive or addictive behavior like alcoholism or overeating then these also the conditions under which you're most likely to slip back into that behavior. Psychologists like myself call that "acting out," meaning you're acting out rather than "talking out" your feelings. Learning to HALT whenever you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired is a good defense against overreacting and acting out. To halt is to pause and reflect. It means postponing your comments, decisions, or actions in a given situation until you have had time to sort things through.

For instance, let's say you've worked through your lunch hour and your boss calls, upset that you're not done with a project you're working on and starts pressuring your for an answer to a question related to that project. You think you have an answer but you realize that you're over hungry and your angry at the way your boss is pressuring you. If you don't watch yourself you might say something that would make things even worse with your boss. So you halt and buy yourself the time you need to take care of your feelings and sort through your thoughts on the subject by saying something like, "I'm in the middle of something right now. I'll get back to you on that before I leave today."

Or, what if at the end of long and exhausting day your husband loses his temper at you and criticizes you for how you handled a problem with one of your kids? If you're not careful you might react in anger and escalate the conflict between the two of you. You're tired and you're upset that he didn't appreciate your efforts with your child and was so critical. Time to halt. Better to talk this issue through later when you're not so tired and upset. You might say, "I'd like to talk with you about this situation later when I have more energy. Can we talk in the morning about this?"

Or, if you're lonely and you find yourself thinking about food then halt. Instead, of acting out of your loneliness by eating talk to a friend about how you feel. Or sit down and write out your feelings in a journal or pray to God about how you feel. It won't give you a quick sugar high or numb out your pain, but in the long run it'll be better for you.

How to Respond to Your Feelings
After you halt in an emotional situation take time to:
1. Feel your feelings,
2. Talk to someone you trust about how you feel,
3. Focus on receiving care while you share,
4. Think about your situation before you speak or act.

Start by feeling your feelings and sorting them through by sharing with a trustworthy listener. It may take quite a bit of discernment and courage for you to share this honestly, especially if you've been violated in past relationships or haven't experienced much listening and caring support, but it is worth considerable effort.

To get the most out of being listened and cared for to it's important that you join in the caring. To fully receive care you need to be self-accepting. Usually, reactive people are self-conscious about their emotional vulnerability and embarrassed about how they feel and so they try to avoid their feelings. They've judged themselves as "too sensitive" or "overly emotional" or "weak and needy" and denied or repressed their feelings. Of course, like the beach ball that you hold underwater, inevitably the unwanted feelings will pop up in emotional outbursts, hurtful words, or foolish actions. So practice good self-talk by saying affirming things to yourself like:

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