Ask
Dr. Bill
Tips
to Temper Sibling Rivalry
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere
When
Jenny, our second child was born she was particularly delightful.
The first year or so of her life it seemed she was always
happy, she rarely fussed and was so appreciative of the
attention she was shown. In fact, one time a friend of ours
who is a seminary professor commented, "She doesn't have
a sin nature!" She still is a delight to us, but years later
I can assure you that our girl definitely has a sin nature!
This became particularly evident when her baby sister Briana
was born.
Like
all children this precious little started to display a certain
omnipotent fantasy that if verbalized might sound something
like: "I am the center of the universe. I can have what
I want when I want it!" I remember noticing this when Jenny
was four and Briana was just one-and-a-half. Those two really
went at it! When Briana asked to be pushed on the swing
Jenny would run over and jump in the swing first. If Briana
started playing with Jenny's favorite doll then Jenny would
snatch it out of her hands even if she was playing with
something else at the time. Or sometimes at dinner when
Jenny saw her little sister being fed she'd stop feeding
herself and insist on being fed too! If you're a parent
then you know what I'm talking about. You can't have more
than one child without also having sibling rivalry. The
question is, How do we parents deal with sibling rivalry?
Coach,
Don't Referee
When it comes to sibling rivalry the most important thing
to remember is that you need to be patient and realize that
you can't extinguish sibling rivalry and if you try you're
going to have a worse problem on your hands! Parents who
try too hard to control sibling rivalry become referees,
repeatedly being called upon to settle small squabbles.
This is exhausting for the parent and the children don't
learn how to resolve conflicts, set boundaries, or be assertive.
More often than not, especially with older kids you need
to let them resolve it themselves. (Unless somebody is being
physically wounded or emotionally abused, in which case
you need to step in to protect the one being violated and
then discipline the other.) This is hard for most parents
to do, isn't it? We just want the noise to stop!
I
remember when David, my oldest, was six and Jenny was four.
It seemed like they enjoyed fighting - especially on the
way to church! Of course, I didn't like listening to them
squabble and on some occasions I, or my wife, would give
in to the temptation to get in there and resolve the situation
to get some peace and quiet. But we learned that the more
we did that the more our kids embroiled us in their disputes,
trying to make us responsible for their problems. My other
temptation at times like this was to just detach and tune
them out, which in many cases is better than being a referee,
but it still isn't very helpful.
Instead
when David and Jenny were arguing I'd try to say something
like, "It sounds like you two are having a disagreement.
Who can think of a good resolution?" Or if that didn't work
and they persisted in trying to make me responsible to settle
their rather trivial dispute then I'd say something like,
"You need to resolve this for yourselves." As a last resort,
if the squabbling got out of control and turned into destructive
arguing then I might say, "At times like this the two of
you need to stop fighting about who is right and learn to
agree to disagree. Now if I hear either of you argue this
again then you'll both be punished." Or, the positive reinforcement
version: "I have a reward for whoever will stop being mean
and argumentative and instead be kind and respectful."
Another
way that parents get coaxed into refereeing their kids squabbles
is when one child "tattles" on another. In this case, a
child tries to get a sister or brother in trouble by complaining
about the crime that was committed. Unless it's a serious
offense that's being brought to your attention (like a physical
injury, abusiveness, or danger) it's best to not get hooked
into the situation. I like to challenge my child that's
tattling, "I understand you're upset, but you're tattling.
Instead, go back to your brother and tell him that you don't
like what he did."
The
key to each of these example of how to avoid playing referee
is to not take sides and align with one child over the other
(making one bad and one good), which is important since
they're both contributing to the fight. Instead of refereeing
their conflict and solving their problem for them make each
child take responsibility for his or her part in the conflict
and then coach them on how they can resolve it. Sometimes
the hardest part of this approach for us as parents is containing
our feelings of anger and anxiety in the moment so that
we don't react. Obviously, when parents have an anger problem
and are prone to losing their temper, being critical, or
fighting then this will undermine the effectiveness of discipline.
Calm patience and firm, loving persistence wins out in the
end.
Set
Boundaries
Don't Cater If you want to ignite sibling rivalry and conflict
in your home then just cater to the child who makes the
biggest fuss. Remember the story of how Jenny stole the
swing from her one-and-a-half year old sister because she
was envious? She wanted that swing and couldn't stand to
see her sister having fun on it so she tried to take it
away from her! When I set the boundary and said no then
she started screaming and fussing that she wanted to swing
first. Even though Briana would've given into her bigger
sister without too much of a problem (this was not true
when Briana got a little older) I couldn't let Jenny get
away with this. I was tempted to though. For the moment,
it certainly would've been easier to just look the other
way; I would've saved myself from listening to about 20
minutes of whining, fussing, and moaning in the park. But
it would've been a problem because it would've taught Jenny
that if she wanted to bully her baby sister and get her
own way then all she needed to do was to make a big enough
fuss.
I
was trying to teach Jenny not only the importance of fairness
and learning to share, but also that she was responsible
for her envious feelings. She couldn't get away with physically
bullying her baby sister and I wouldn't give in to her tantrum
no matter how miserable she tried to make me. She had to
learn to manage her feelings and that if she'd be patient
she'd get her turn to enjoy the swing too. And if she wanted
to talk to me about feeling sad or angry or jealous toward
her sister then I would listen with compassion. If she wanted
to throw a tantrum and try to make everyone miserable with
complaining or fussing then she'd need to go in time out
until she was ready to talk about her feelings or at least
have a better attitude while she played with her sister.
Encourage,
Don't force Sharing
As I illustrated above, sharing is an important value. Parents
are wise to model, teach, encourage, and praise sharing
in their children, but usually they're best not to force
their children to share. Parents who force sharing can exacerbate
sibling rivalry by aligning with one child against another
and confusing boundaries about ownership. For instance,
if I forced Jenny to share her favorite dolly with her little
sister then I'd be aligning with Briana against Jenny and
I'd be violating Jenny's boundaries and her sense of ownership
of her "baby." If as her parent I didn't respect and affirm
her boundaries now then she might be susceptible to having
her boundaries violated later in life.
Now
you might think, She has so other dollies she should share
one with her sister. You don't want her to be selfish! Well,
you're right. She should. And over time this is what I was
trying to teach her. But I didn't want to power up and force
her to do what she should. (Often parents do this because
they're embarrassed for anyone to see their child act selfishly.)
I didn't want to teach sharing at the expense of respecting
her boundaries and the principle of ownership. This is especially
true because she was barely four years old and this special
dolly was part of her identity, her sense of "self," and
a source of comfort to her. To take it away from her might
feel like ripping her arm off! This was her doll and it
was her decision whether or not to share it - not mine.
So
if I don't make her share her dolly how do I teach her to?
I find it most helpful to talk to my kids about sharing
being a virtue with benefits like having a friend or a sibling
to play with and being able to play with their things sometimes
too. One good way to impart this value is through reading
your children books that illustrate sharing. One of our
favorites is Rainbow Fish. The Rainbow Fish learns that
to share his special, colorful scales with the other fish
so that he won't be lonely. Another thing that we did is
to develop a little motto and we'd remind our kids of it
from time to time: Sharing time is a happy time! In time
children will learn to share if they're given the freedom
to decide whether or not they will share their things and
at the same time they're encouraged to share and taught
the virtue and benefits of sharing.
Appreciate
Differences
Don't Compare This is another tough one. When Briana was
a newborn and Jenny was just two-and-a-half she wanted to
be fed like her baby sister. Usually, we went ahead and
fed her even though she could feed herself. We decided at
the time that rather than teaching irresponsibility (we
had plenty of other opportunities for that!) we were showing
her we loved her too and there was still room for her to
need us. But eventually it reached the point where even
as a three year old Jenny wouldn't eat unless we fed her!
So we had to start saying no and teaching her to take care
of herself in that way. Unfortunately, a few times we made
the mistake of saying to her, "Jenny you're not a baby like
Briana is. You're a big girl. You can feed yourself." Ouch!
Fortunately,
we caught ourselves and realized that we were comparing
Jenny to her sister (and reminding her that her status as
"baby of the family" was supplanted). Comparing siblings
encourages competition and feelings of superiority or inferiority,
neither of which represent positive self-esteem. Instead
of comparing kids with each other it's better to measure
kids up against themselves. I learned to say to Jenny something
like, "It sounds like you want Daddy to feed you like he
used to. I enjoyed those times too. But you're growing up
now and you can learn to feed yourself. After you're done
eating you can sit in my lap and I'll read you a story."
Family
Life
The Apostle Paul gave us some good instructions for parenting,
"Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take
pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody
else, for each one should carry his own load.... as we have
opportunity let us do good to all people." (Galatians 6:4-5,10.)
Raising children who carry their own load and do good to
others isn't easy. And dealing with sibling rivalry is one
of the biggest challenges. Playing referee, catering to
whining, forcing sharing, and comparing our children are
easy mistakes to slip into. Sometimes we do these things
in order to make life easier in the moment. In the long
run though these approaches make family life more difficult
because they exacerbate sibling rivalry and stress parents
out. Stressed parents have short tempers, which in turn
increases sibling rivalry. It's a vicious circle.
Good
family times are about good relationships. That's why tempering
sibling rivalry is so important. Our children will develop
relationship skills when we do the hard work of coaching
instead of refereeing, setting boundaries instead of catering,
encouraging sharing without forcing it, and appreciating
each child's uniqueness without comparing. Disciplining
our children and teaching them these values and skills takes
a concerted effort year after year. And on those occasions
when we catch our kids playing together nicely and looking
so adorable and so loving it all seems worth it!
