The Wife’s Influence is Key to a Sacred Marriage

(Encouragement for Wives)

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. & Kristi Gaultiere, Psy.D., (c) 2005

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).  That’s what God said to the Israelites who were in exile in Babylon.  Would he say those same words to you about your marriage?

Marriage is Sacred

Marriage is sacred.  God uses it to reveal himself – to illustrate his love for his bride, the church, and to make her radiant – holy and whole.  Simply put, he wants your marriage to draw you and other people closer to him.  The Apostle Paul teaches that this sacredness of marriage is “a profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:21-33).

That may be a new thought for you.  That’s not the way that marriage is presented typically, certainly not in our culture, but for the most part not even in the church.  Think about the messages, articles, and books you’ve read on marriage…  They pretty much all sound like this: “You can have a happier marriage if you… learn how to communicate better, express more affection, meet one another’s needs, and so forth.” 

Of course, there’s truth to those points.  But have you ever noticed that this is not the approach that the Bible takes to marriage – or anything else in life for that matter?  In his Word God doesn’t say to us: “Perform these behaviors so you can be successful and happy.”  Instead he says: “Rely on me with others in the Body of Christ to know me and to become like me on the inside.  And this will be a great blessing to you and to others.”

Marriage isn’t just a way for God to make us happy.  It’s his way to make as holy.  And as we grow in holiness we’ll also grow in wholeness – Because there is no greater joy in life than knowing and serving God!  David demonstrated this so wonderfully in the Psalms.  Again and again we see him rejoicing in the Lord as the love of his life: “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple” (Psalm 27:4). “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11).

Masculinityand Femininity Come together in God

To understand God’s purposes for marriage we need to look at masculinity and femininity as he created it.

In the beginning God’s stated his plan for marriage this way: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, KJV).

Two.  One.  Leave.  Cleave.  What’s this all about?  Husband and wife must set boundaries with (or individuate from) their Families of Origin in order to join together in loving intimacy as one flesh.  In other words, you need to have good boundaries in order to establish a good relationship.  Bonding and boundaries are essential to the character of God.  “God is holy” and “God is love,” the Bible teaches us.  He is separate and he is connected at the same time.  The Trinity is three and one. 

And each member of the Trinity has a strong, masculine-like side and a nurturing, feminine-like side.  The Father is our almighty Creator and our affectionate Abba.  Jesus is the Lion and the Lamb.  The Holy Spirit is roaring fire and gentle dove.  And our response to each member of the Trinity is to respect and love the Lord. 

Just as in God righteousness and peace kiss (Psalm 85:10) so also masculinity and femininity are meant to complement each other.  God has made for men to bring his strength and for women to bring his beauty to one another and their world.  This is very blurred and confused presently in our culture yet it remains true.

Men just aren’t happy and don’t come across as masculine if they don’t work hard, lead, take initiative, have resolve, provide for their family, fight for what is important.  And women aren’t happy and don’t seem feminine if they aren’t tender, alluring, responsive, nurturing, hospitable.  Of course, women can be strong leaders too!  But their strength is most feminine and godly when it emerges from inner beauty.

As a wife, when you understand and accept that your marriage is a sacred opportunity to know God and that God through Christ has made you to be beautifully attractive – inside and out – it changes the way you relate to your husband in important ways.

God has made you to Influence your Husband for Him

John Gottman’s research on marriage (Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 1998) and our experience as marriage counselors both indicate that the thing that would help your marriage the most is if… your husband changed!  Imagine if he would allow himself to be more influenced by you!  You probably have a lot of good ideas for how he should change!

Really.  I’m (Bill) being serious.  The happiest marriages are those in which the wife positively impacts the husband.  Think about it.  Usually, women pay more attention to the things that matter the most in life than men do: God, family, friendships.  And you do it from the heart.  This why Gary Smalley says that wives are like “built-in marriage manuals”.

Now, the key for you as a wife is what you do with what I just said!

If you criticize your husband for what he’s not doing well or pressure him to be more like you then you’ll probably drive him further away from you.  Blaming him for the problems in your marriage gets you nowhere but resentful.  And you can’t sit back and expect him to change.  What can you do?  What would God have you to do?

1.  Ask for what you Need

I (Kristi) have to admit that what we women typically do is nag, complain and demand what we want from our husbands.  What we need to do is to learn to ask them for what we want.

This is hard for me.  Often I feel rejected when Bill is busy.  At those times it feels to me like his work and projects are more important to him than me.  I feel unattractive to him and unimportant.  I wait and wait for him to show me attention, take me out for a date or engage me in extended personal conversation.  Sometimes I withdraw from him and then after a while I erupt and attack him saying something like this….  

“Bill you don’t even care about me. You make sure you have time to do everything you want to do, you put all this time and energy into your small groups, you take initiative to get together with your spiritual friends, you take your Dad to Angels games but you never plan a date to take me out to lunch.”            

Of course, Bill is likely to be defensive or get angry back at me.  What a difference when I contain my anger and ask Bill for what I need…

“Bill do you have a minute to listen to my feelings?   I really miss you.  I see how much time and energy you’re giving out and I’m tempted to think you care more about others than me.  I feel lonely, hurt and jealous.  I really want to have time with you when we both have energy.  I want you, and I want to feel wanted by you.  Is there a time this week when we could schedule a date?”

When I invite him to understand my experience and what I need like this he’s more likely to be understanding and to want to spend more time with me.

2.  Allure your husband

You long for your husband to be attracted to you, physically of course, but personally even more.  If you don’t long for that anymore than you’ve lost touch with your heart. You need to learn to use your femininity to invite your husband to show you God, and others love.  So he can learn to take initiative to move close to you.

This is how romantic relationships start.  The woman uses her beauty to arouse a man’s desire to be a man worthy of her - strong enough to fight for her, to protect her and provide for her.  We see this played out in ancient fables and the latest movies: a strong man is aroused by the beauty of a woman and comes to rescue her.  Today some people think this is old fashioned or worse, insulting to women.  But the truth is that it’s universal to our gender identities as men and women.  It’s how God created maleness and femaleness and it’s always been this way.  A woman longs to be beautiful to a man she respects.  A man longs to be strong for a woman he loves. 

Another way for you to allure your husband is with your wisdom.  This fall started Kristi has been getting out the Bible with our kids each morning to read them a Proverb every morning before they head off to school.  One morning last week I was home and so I shared that day’s Proverb with Briana, our youngest child who just turned ten: “If you exalt wisdom, she will exalt you.  Hold her fast, and she will lead you to great honor; she will place a beautiful crown upon your head.  My son, listen to me and do as I say, and you will have a long, good life” (Proverbs 4:8-9, LB).

I pointed out to Briana that the voice of wisdom in Proverbs is a she. Solomon is teaching us that wisdom is like a beautiful woman that we’re to love and embrace, that women have special wisdom that men need to be led into. 

I asked her who else might this voice of wisdom be.  She had to think awhile on this, but finally she said that maybe it was God.  She was confused because God is a he - isn’t he?  So we talked about how, of course, God isn’t a man!  But he has chosen to reveal himself as a Father and to enter human flesh as a man Jesus.  However, as much as God is masculine God is also feminine.

And Proverbs is one of the places in the Bible that we see this.  For God to say the wisdom is feminine may seem like an obvious understatement to you – given some of the stupid men running around!  But if you think about it God is dignifying you as women.  He knows that you’re wise – he gave you his wisdom!

There are many ways that women are wise – naturally and genetically – more so than men.  Two that are especially important to marriage are that you as a woman have special interests and capacities for expressing care in relationships and for spiritual things.

When one of your children or another family member or friend is going through a hard time who calls to check in – you or your husband?  You do.  Here you are today at a church and it’s not even Sunday and you’re here because you want to grow spiritually.  If this were a men’s conference would your husband be here?  Probably not.

Your husband may not seem very interested in relational or spiritual things, but let me tell you a secret: he’s scared!  He needs to become more sensitive and caring and more in tune with God – he’s just afraid.  You can help him.

Maybe you don’t believe me?  Then why does God challenge husbands on these two areas – relationally and spirituality – in Ephesians 5:21-33 for instance.  In that day and in that culture of male domination for Paul to challenge the men as he did was unheard of!  He told men to love their wives sacrificially and to cherish them.  He told them to wash their souls in the water of the Word.

Remember, your feminine voice is the voice of wisdom and it’s beautiful!  So find appealing ways to allure your husband into investing more of himself in your marriage and family and faith.

3.  Show respect for your husband’s strengths

I (Kristi) believe that it’s so important that we wives use our feminine voice to affirm our husbands.  Your husband needs this more than you will ever know.  Dr. Emerson Eggrichs says in his book Love and Respect that men need respect like women need love.  He says when you withhold respect from your husband you are standing on his air hose.  If he can’t breath he’s not going to act very loving! 

There have been many times in our marriage where I’ve stepped on Bill’s air hose.  Like the other day I was feeling overwhelmed putting the kids to bed it was late.  And Bill was preparing for the Christ’s Ambassadors Spiritual Formation group he leads.  I snapped, “Bill, could you please come help me!”  My angry tone said to him, “Shame on you for not knowing I needed help earlier!” 

As often happens, he was absorbed in what he was doing and I didn’t want to bother him.  I felt bad that I needed his help so I didn’t ask earlier.  My frustration built and built until I erupted with angry words.

This kind of conflict happens often for us.  I (Bill) should’ve been helping put the kids to bed.  I want to help put the kids to bed and I usually do.  It’s important to me but it’s more draining and less rewarding than projects I like to work on!  And I get really focused when I’m working on something and lose track of things going on around me.  So Kristi needed to get my attention.  But, I did feel disrespected with the way Kristi talked to me and it stirred up old hurt feelings for me that she doesn’t appreciate my enthusiasm for teaching Christian spiritual formation. 

Times in our marriage when I (Kristi) feel angry and disappointed with Bill I’ve learned to discipline myself to think about what attracted me to him in the first place: What his strengths are, what I see others appreciate about him, what I’ve enjoyed about him in the past, what character qualities I see in him.  Sometimes I even make a list. 

When you write down your husband’s strengths then you can go back to the list and refer to it.  Try to celebrate them.  Invite him to look through old photos of the two of you and complement him as you do.  I promise that if you start affirming those attributes in your husband you will see them in him more regularly and he will grow in Christ-like character and respond to you with more and more love. 

You can’t affirm your husband too much – if you’re genuine.  I’m not talking about empty flattery here.  I‘m talking about reinforcement.  School teachers know this is an important principle and use it all day long in the classroom.  When your husband is loving, kind, attentive, thoughtful, generous, patient, Godly, affirm him.  Let him know you noticed, you respect him, you like him.  You can do this!

Women often joke about what big ego’s men have.  But really they just need respect! The way for you to respect your husband is to affirm his strengths.  When you talk to him about a weakness of his, speak the truth in love, gently and with consideration.  If you respond to a problem of his by criticizing, nagging, or withdrawing in anger you’ll disrespect him in ways that hurt him deep to his masculine core.  He is likely to feel defeated, inadequate, like he’s a failure.  Eventually, he’ll probably give up trying.   When you affirm him for not giving up, for his courage to keep trying, and you let him know that you believe in him he will likely rise to the challenge and meet your desire. 

You also need to respect your husband’s courage when he’s vulnerable with you.  In a marriage counseling session I (Bill) led, a husband admitted that he was afraid to be vulnerable with his wife – it’s not manly.  “What if she rejects me?”  But he shared his heart and she respected him.  She said she was drawn to him when he admits his emotional struggles and asks for the understanding he needs.  It helps her to relax because she doesn’t have to figure out how to deal with him.  And it helps her to feel safer sharing her own struggles with him.

This issue comes up often in marriage counseling and unfortunately I’ve seen many wives jump on their vulnerable husbands with anger or criticisms.

4.  Be First to Show Love

The challenge for us women is to be the first to show love - even in times of conflict.  Consistently I (Kristi) see wives in my counseling office who come into my office and are very aware of what their husband is doing wrong.  They sit on my couch and stubbornly and relentlessly point the finger at their husband: “He is so selfish.”  “He should know how I feel and what I need.”  “When will he ever listen to me?”

Of course, the husbands do the same thing!  They may criticize and blame their wives.  They can be harsh, controlling, down right mean.  And if the men were here right now then we’d be challenging them, telling them that they need to be the first to show love (and respect).  But right now we’re talking with the wives.  You’re motivated to work on your relationship.  You want to understand what God has for you to be and to do as a wife.  So we’re talking to you: Humble yourself.  Ask God to help you be the first reach out with the same kindness and compassion that Jesus has given you.

Attacking your husbands for withdrawing from you is only inviting them to attack you back or withdraw from you.  Neither will bring you the love you want. 

James brings out what is probably the most important way that we can love others.  He says in James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  To listen means to step into your husband’s shoes like Jesus has done for us.  What does your husband see or hear?  What is he thinking?  What is he feeling?  What does he want?  Then communicate to him that you want to see if you understand him.  Look to understand where you have offended or hurt or disrespected him. 

Listen – don’t be defensive.  Never be react defensively.  When you feel defensive it is a signal that you are feeling insecure and ashamed.  Reacting defensive leaves you feeling worse and escalates the conflict.  Instead try to stay focused on understanding his feelings.  Put words to his feelings to show compassion.  Say you’re sorry for what you have done wrong and ask for his forgiveness. 

Then ask him if he would please try to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires.  Your feelings are important too!  So speak the truth in love to him.  And when he understands you thank him.  Or, if he’s open to you, give him a hug.

5.  Pray

How often do you and your spouse pray together?  By “pray” I (Bill) mean more than asking for God’s blessing over a meal!  I mean talking to God together.  Praying for one another.  Praying for your family.  Praising God for his beautiful character and thanking him for his many blessings.  And listening to God.

How often do you and your spouse talk to God like that together?  About four years ago Dave and Jan Stoop, Christian Psychologists and mentors for Kristi and I, asked us this question.  At the time, though we often prayed together, we didn’t so regularly.  Well the Stoops told us that they prayed together every night and they encouraged us to do the same.  And they shared with us what they reported in their book When Couples Pray Together: according to a research study when spouses pray together regularly the divorce rate drops from 1 out of 2 to 1 out of 1,500! 

Since then Kristi and I have prayed together every night.

If You’re Discouraged about Your Marriage

We hope you’re not thinking, “Marriage is easy for Kristi and Bill.  They’re counselors and they just love each other.  I can’t do these things for my husband.  And even if I did he doesn’t want to work on our marriage.”

Bill and I have conflicts too.  We have worked through a lot of pain and hurt in our marriage.  These things we are teaching you are things we have learned and worked hard on together for many years.  Thankfully, they can be done and with time not only get easier because they become a part of who you are and how you naturally relate. 

If you’re struggling in your marriage don’t give up!  Even if your husband continues to be closed off to you, your marriage can still become a sacred place for you.  You can ask Jesus to be your teacher.  Make it your prayer to grow to be more like Jesus.  Ask yourself, “What would Jesus be like and do if he were me – a woman, in my body, with my personality, and with my strengths and weaknesses – and he were in my marriage with my husband?”  I’ve been learning to think that way, to translate the life of Jesus that I see in the gospels into my life and it’s really helped me.

Or focus on being the bride of Christ.  Even if your husband were everything you wanted him to be Jesus is still the one you want ultimately to look to for getting your needs met.

Besides, your future in your marriage may be better than you think.  A research study on marriage cited in The Case for Marriage by Maggie Gallagher asked the question: “What proportion of unhappily married couples that stick it out stay miserable?”  The results were surprising!  Within five years, just 12 percent of “Very Unhappy” married couples are still unhappy – if they stick it out.  At that point 70 percent of the unhappiest couples then described their marriage as "very" or "quite" happy.

However, some of you may be in an abusive relationship.  Maybe your husband hits you, yells at you, is an alcoholic, or cheats on you.  In these types of situations you need to take action to set boundaries with your husband to stop the destructive behavior and protect yourself from his abuse.  Jesus set boundaries with the abusers of his day and he wants to help you to do the same.

When the Bible talks about submitting one to another and respecting our husbands God is not telling us to submit ourselves to abusive behavior!  He is not telling us to respect sinful and destructive behaviors. 

If you are suffering abuse in your marriage you need to get help from a trained Christian counselor who can help you. 

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is a Christian Psychologist and Kristi Gaultiere, Psy.D. is a Marriage and Family Therapist.  Individually they offer psychotherapy and spiritual direction and together they offer seminars and retreats.  They have been married since 1986 and have three children.